Everything I Know About Philosophy I Learned from KRS-ONEJason Bredle
When you told me you spent your nights watching the stars, I really believed in you. I mean, I don’t like doing pushups beside a tinkling mountain creek either but I also don’t want to be remembered as the guy who freaked out and made a scene when camp counselors had us strip to our tighty trunks and jump into a tinkling mountain creek as a sort of “initiation,” or, “indoctrination into a secret society of changelings,” if you will. Paranormal phenomena are all around us. Kerosine always reminds me of cold, miserable mornings in the wilderness and especially the morning at scout camp when Dave was almost struck by lightning. It struck a nearby pail. I like camp as much as anybody but I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who freaked out and made a scene while repelling down a waterfall during a physical endurance challenge. Like, I learned how to shoot a gun at camp. Later, I learned how to kill and eat a squirrel. I don’t think any of us knew at the time, however, that a squirrel is a rodent. But whatever, people eat capybaras. They do eat capybaras, don’t they? Do people eat capybaras? I think when people think of “the world’s largest rodent” they think “big rat,” but I’d imagine the meat of a capybara tastes better than rat meat and I think I’d eat a capybara if somebody in South America placed a plump, juicy, slow-roasted capybara in front of me. A feast of the ages! Or is it a feast for all ages? Carnivores, vegetarians, super-vegans— we’re all people and who’s with me? I mean, I dislike tender confessions and apologies around campfires near tinkling mountain creeks as much as anybody, but who wants to be remembered as the guy at the party who tells Quan Barry he’d much rather eat a capybara than a spider? Who’s with me? Sure, a lot of ambiguities could be cleared up right now by looking this up, but have you considered I might not want to know if I could one day eat a capybara, preferably curried? Do they have capybaras in Guyana? What kind of relationship do capybaras have with house pets? Is it harmonious or will they kill your cat is I guess what I’m getting at. I hope it’s harmonious because we’re all just people and capybaras here, aren’t we? Still, I learned the hard way that a guy should always be sure he’s zipped his fly before stepping away from the urinal. When you told me you spent your nights watching the stars, I really believed in you. When I spend my nights watching the stars, I usually consider two things. The first is my childhood. I wish I could remember if I actually had an interest in astronomy or if going out late at night with my dad and his telescopes was more about going out late at night with my dad and his telescopes. Either way, I probably know more about astronomy than the average asshole. The second is what people in other solar systems look like, how they behave. Do they fall in love like I do? Do they have genitals and procreate like us, or is procreation so violent and completely bizarre that I can’t even think of a worthy human comparison? Do they have capybaras and curried capybaras to eat? When will they finally find, conquer, and enslave us? What do they think when they lie in their backyards at night, like me, and look at the sky? Do they wonder if I fall in love like they do? Do they wonder if my genitals are like theirs, full of knives and pouches to take and hold birthing juice? Do they wonder if I have capybaras and curried capybaras to eat? Do they, as they age, consider their relationships with their own fathers, how they’d stay up all night looking through their fathers’ telescopes just so they could spend time with them, too?
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