Revenge of the NerdJason Bredle
Whenever I think of my future, I imagine my answers to fan questions will be something like, “yes, it’s all been a lot like that Bjork video directed by Michel Gondry,” and some of the audience will laugh, the really cool ones, and some will research Bjork videos by Michel Gondry when they go home later, the also really cool ones, and all in all the whole world will be harmonious, etcetera. Then people will think, “yes, I see the rise to superstardom, but does he believe his life’s been a series of tinier and tinier plays?” Yes! And when you’re “out” “doing stuff” later that evening and receive a text message from me saying, “the title of my next chapter will be The Holy Bible II,” that’s a “happening,” okay? I deliberately placed you into the creative process for this thing. Lately I’ve been wondering about whether or not people eat the capybara. I think they do. Lately I’ve been wanting to see a Hollywood high speed chase scene in the middle of a snowstorm, or even a Bollywood high speed chase scene in the middle of a snowstorm and right now I feel bad for not knowing what the chances are that someone raised in Mumbai has ever seen snow. This is not a gay love poem unless you define gay as “homosexual,” love as “a zero score in tennis,” and poem as “to deal a blow to.” In this Bollywood high speed snowstorm chase scene? Oh man, it’s nuts. Wherever they are, it’s like, a man and a woman love each other so much that they perform amazingly choreographed song and dance numbers that are all about how they love each other so much, but then the father of the girl, he strikes a deal with some other guy to give his daughter away for a bunch of material stuff and money, like, goats and rupees. And the trade actually goes down, but this other guy turns out to be evil and he locks the daughter away in a tower, and she spends her days singing to the clouds about how the guy she really loves will one day find her and take her home. Meanwhile, the guy she really loves spends his days both trying to figure out how she’s doing and also trying to figure out how he’s going to get out of this Pakistani prison, where he’s been locked away and physically tortured at the bidding of the evil guy. I’ll let you infer the social and political implications of this scenario, but can I just say that when our hero manages to fold a note written in his own blood into an acorn and then tie the acorn to a dove he’s captured with some chick peas and a thread from his tattered clothing, then successfully directs the dove to the location of his beloved, where she finds the note and knows, knows without a doubt that one day he’ll be there and they’ll spend the rest of their lives together, can I just say that everyone in that movie house will be crying their eyes out? And I haven’t even told you about the big snowstorm chase scene yet, where taxis and rickshaws are flying every which way, people are crashing through vegetable and spice stands, and pretty much no one moving a big piece of glass across a street does so successfully. It’s that awesome, friends. And yeah, some of the chase scene does get bogged down in the technicalities of suspending a goat from a helicopter, but it’s like, who cares, because this is love we’re talking about, this is the shit. Like the Dalai Lama says, the need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence, and that’s what this movie is all about. It’s like when you think about your future and you don’t know, who really knows, but you know love will be there somewhere, even if only a faint memory. And that’s all you need, all you really need when the day comes when all of your closest friends are no longer your closest friends and you don’t know what to do, you don’t know what to do, you don’t know what to do and they’re all changing into fir trees without even saying goodbye.
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