Zombie Escape RouteTiffany Midge
Zombie Escape Route sounds like an indie band someone’s nephew named Arturo plays bass guitar for. It sounds like a speedy exit away from boorish hoards who insist upon the multiplicity of ways to exhibit the following: “I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.” It sounds like a euphemism for getting out of a bad marriage or a dead-end job. It might be a the cocktail your bartender recommends the night before you leave for prison. Or what you’d drink the first night after getting out of prison. My sister asked, “Why would you want the zombies to escape?” Zombie Escape Route is the new crack. I have at least five different writer-acquaintances using zombies as their subject matter. Their thematic uses of zombies is currently up for debate; there’s the xenophobic angle; the Americans as out of control consumers; or the fragile line between humanity and barbarianism. Zombies are the new black. Pride and Prejudice has been revamped as the classic zombie love story just when I thought Night of the Living Dead was. Actually, I don’t think there is a classic zombie love story. Yet. ZER is the new MIA, and the new politically incorrect term for DNR. Zombie Escape Route is the name of a convalescent home I’d want to retire to. It’s the name of Dick’s Cheney’s new yacht. It’s the name of a new candy bar I’d want to buy stock in. Funny, I drive a Ford Escape. President Obama used to drive the hybrid version. Lets call Zombie Escape Route the new port of call for Princess Cruises. Zombie Escape Route is the new Heaven, the new afterlife. A new obstetrics term, Zombie Escape Route is what I’m calling my vagina now. It’s my new group on Facebook, twenty-seven members strong: Organize Before they Rise. Our motto, don’t get caught off guard on Z-Day. Go ahead and laugh but when you’re surrounded you’ll have wished you joined. Zombie phenomena is a sociology class at Yale, right up there with pirates and the vampire oeuvre. What’s stalking you down the halls of academia? Zombies are the new fire. Zombies are the neo-nouveau-nouveau, except there’s nothing new about them. Who wouldn’t want to be a zombie’s kind of zombie? The men’s cologne Axe is being trademarked for zombie defense. Zombie Escape Route is the title of my new poetry collection. It’s the new Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup. It’s the new T.V. It’s the new Duncan Hines Devil’s Food Cake. Zombies are the new vampires. Zombies for Jesus. Honk if you love zombies. Zombie Jesus Day is the new Easter. Zombie on board. Beware of Zombie. Go Zombie Green. Zombie: A Love Story Sex, drugs, rock and roll, and zombies. Have you hugged your zombie today? Do you know where your zombie is? The early zombie gets the worm. A zombie in need is a zombie indeed. You can lead a zombie to water but you can’t make him drink. A rolling zombie can gather no moss. Don’t count your zombies before they’re hatched. Don’t look a gift zombie in the mouth. All good zombies must come to an end.
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